JM

Of a Spiritual Quandary ...

I grew up on latrines … I mean I grew up using latrines for number 2 and anywhere for number 1. For the slow ones, I grew up deep in the village. I used to go to school barefoot, with no vunda every other day (tulikuwa tunashare na bro …), and torn shorts and shirts … and a protruded belly … tulikuwa tunasukuma ugali na sukuma kila wiki …tungali … PSYCHE …

I used my first modern toilet at the “tender” age of …ummm … 9 or 10.

That was when I was shipped to boarding school for the first time. I remember looking at that thing and wondering “just how do you use this thing?” … granted the HOLE was bigger than the kijiji ones, but it was also HIGHER up … it was impossible to assume my village position!

But as y’all may (not) know, the village endows you with plenty of skills which are useful at problematic times such as those …

So I CLIMBED…

And CLIMBED … until I went to high school …

It took a harsh lesson to “STOP CLIMBING” … toilets that is …

You see, I ate quite well after KCPE. My first CLIMB in high school was the last one to-date. I climbed, and came down “mid-work” with the whole damn thing. Talk about shit hitting the floor … but I did learn the “methodology”

The other day, I mean many years ago, in a drunken daze, I walked into a “kibanda” and proceeded to order some samosas “to go” …

And go I did …

The kao-kyuk in me took over: Alas … I mean haraaa …

To make it worse, I was in my local church, working hard to stifle a nice nap that was threatening to muzzle the pastor’s Hallelujah … it was my punishment for spiritual insubordination.

So I dashed to the “recently dug” latrines. There at awaited my disaster. In no order, this is my list of complaints:

The HOLE seemed like the size of a cup mug opening

It was triangular – meaning your “ass-gymnastics” had to be pin-point

It was, quite literally a few inches from the door, meaning that your said gymnastics would only be perfect if your knees were outside the “shed” consequently implying the door had to be open …

The shed was 1 BY 2 or thereabouts in dimension … as if intended for dwarfs or something …

Dear Lord, amnesty It was a smear campaign …am nasty ...

Amnasty.

King "dong"

I was here and I saw this ...

I am still trying to work out the ratio but it's teetering dangerously close to infinity:1

And you thought things were thick??

Predator vs Prey

I have a phobia for rats.

Last weekend, I walked into my kitchen and found a giant, nay, a hybrid rat bathing and splashing away in some milk I had boiled and kept in a sufuria for my breakfast tea. I chased him, through the sitting room, out of the house, through the shamba,until he disappeared through a small hole in my neighbour's house. I knew he'd be back unless I did something …

There are virtually no lions at the Aberdares Game Park. They were all culled to preserve the endangered giant hog and some exotic sounding gazelle … There are, indeed no predators that can boast to have downed a buffalo (save for old and sickly ones) in that game pack in the recent past … yet the buffaloes still stick together … in big herds …because they think the lions will get them if they don't … so they keep eating the same grass - with neither colour nor nutrients - …afraid to venture out where the lush green grass awaits … for there the fearsome lions lurk … so their memory tells them … if only one brave buffalo would dare venture out …

Let me tell you about the gian trodent that was bathing in my milk...

He is now dead. I went to my neighbour and relayed my adventure. Then we both took sticks, poured hot water in that hole and did some serious rodent community work. We killed the swimmer, his numerous wives, and several younglings that were being groomed for terror. I did not burn down my neighbor's house … which would have produced the same effect – a dead rat (s).

As we grieve about the current situation in our country, let us ask ourselves:

Who has wronged us? Is it the rat or the neighbour?

And oh, I almost forgot about my buffaloes ...

THINK PEOPLE:

Who is the prey and who is the predator? Does the common Omondi have more in common with the common Mwangi or with Raila and Kibaki respectively? Folks we are prey, yet we are preying on each other, weakening ourselves ... wait till the predators close in on us in our weakened state ...

IN OTHER NEWS:

I AM BACK.

I Came, I Saw, I almost Conquered ...

Parting Words ...

Back then … in another time zone …

I used to dream up posts.
I used to fantasize them at work
And even after work, late into the night …
I used to write pre-drafts, drafts and final versions of my posts …
Blogging made me happy(iest …)

BUT NOW:

The Mojo is gone.
Not much motivation
No more dreams about posts …

YET:

I honestly do not feel like I miss it!
Maybe I need a break …
Maybe blogging was my escape from missing Kenya …
My way of connecting with Kenyans without being physically present …

NO MATTER:

Let me continue watching from the sidelines
Let me take this break
Let me fcking enjoy Kenya …
And (if or when) am over the fun …
I will (might) be back ….

IT’S BEEN:

Real
Funny
Educating
Fcking Controversial

BUT MOSTLY

Thoroughly Enjoyable!!

THANK YOU ALL!!

(Hugz) to all chicks (with a special kiss for *one* mnamjua na anajijua )

Menacing look to all jamaaz :)

Kwaheri Ya Kuonana …

Mother of all Coincidences ...

I am working from a block generously given to our project at the Kakamega Provincial General Hospital. Comp speeds there are much better than at the hotel, lakini I can't praise 'em too much ...

That's why am blogg ... oops (sending my report to head office) from "downtown" Kakameka ...

So, routine for coming to said downtown is very simple; request a dere from the Operations Manager huku hivi, and if there is one free, ni wako ...

So Mburu was free sasa hivi. he decided to test my Kisapere once we started the 5 minute drive or so ...

Dere: Where is home?
Me: Nai
Dere: Nai where?
Me: [I told him Nai where ...] as in huko shagz ...
Dere: Am also from those sides ...
Me: Those sides where?
Dere:[He told me those sides where ...] as in more shagz than those sides of ours ...
Me: Ehe ... My mum is from [the same place that dere is from] ...
Dere: What is her name?
Me: Njeri ...
Dere: Njeri of who ? [ am translating direct ...]
Me: Njeri of ... [I told him Njeri of who ...]
Dere: Haiya, Njeri the one married to Mbitu?
Me: Yes, that one, am the son ...
Dere: Do you know her your grandmother and my mother are sisters !!
Me: Errr ... kindA no ...

So dude is my uncle or what? Kind of a small world, ain't it?

Kakamega update ...

What am Not Liking About Kakamega

Missing her ...
Mosquitoes with teeth
White lizards
MONSTER birds - I hear they beba kidoz ...
Hotel Renovations
DSTV - step up guys!! GTV ndio mambo - need to rewatch that Man U game ...
Dial-up at hotel @ 10/= a minute!! WHAT!! It takes 5 MINUTES 2 load a page ...

What Am Liking

Office staff - very hospitable
Local choirs - I swear these Omunduz can sing ... almost missed lunch listening to a church belt out some tunes ...
Hotel Food - pleasant surprise - never failing on the kuku ... too bad I don't get reimbursed for the cold tuskers ...

Will be back in Nai on Friday ...